They Look Like Big, Good, Strong Hands, Don't They?

When I started blogging again I wanted to keep a regular schedule, a post every couple of days. I already broke that idea this weekend. It was so hot I couldn't sit here and I blog. I just lived by inside the pool trying to keep cool in the heat. While I was trying not to burst into flames, I had a lot of ideas for topics and things I want to talk about. Now that I sit here I have had a hard time putting my feelings to words. I will eventually get to everything I wanted to speak of, but today...today I feel down. And, well, I know it is stupid. There are things much worse happening in the world, there are things far worse happening to others. It is just, at times like this I feel broken.

I love gaming. Gaming, both board and video, is one of my great passions. Figuring out strategies, trying to get the fastest completion time, handling the pieces, everything about gaming is something special, something I deeply enjoy. Over the past couple of years that joy has been minimized. I still enjoy gaming, don't get me wrong, but some days make me want to cry.

When I started my chemotherapy I quickly developed the side effect of Chemotherapy Induced Peripheral Neuropathy (CIPN). The CIPN has taken root in both of my feet and hands while mostly affecting soles, toes, palms, and fingers. What does this actually mean though, CIPN is a type of nerve damage that kills off the nerve endings in certain parts of the body, most commonly the feet and hands. In my case my feet and hands have a constant dull pain, a tingling sensation similar to that pins and needles feeling, and areas of numbness. I have a hard time picking up small objects, such as my daily pills, have troubles holding on to smooth items like silverware and pens, and I have balance issues when  I walk. I haven't driven my car in almost 4 years because of the neuropathy. I cannot feel the pedals and I am afraid I am too dangerous to be trusted on the open road.

There are days where it is all I can think about and I get angry and filled with sorrow. There are also days where I just deal with it. It has been on my mind recently as I have been playing a lot of Mario Maker 2 and watching a lot of pro gamers and streamers like Game Grumps, Zero, & Dark Wizzy playing Mario Maker 2 and Smash Bros Ultimate. My hands don't work like they should, they don't react the way I think they should. Even now as I type this post my fingers are hitting buttons they shouldn't be or my touch is so light that letters that should appear do not. I have to go over with my typing with a fine toothed comb as I have a hard time feeling the keys and sometimes I press too lightly because I can't feel the bump of the key or I hit keys I don't mean to because my fingers roll off one key to land on a nearby one.

I think of this often as I game or want to game because it is the same way. The numbness, the lack of dexterity, the stiffness, and pain causes me to drop and knock over pieces and boards. It cause me to not hit jumps properly or screw up tilts and smashes. I always wanted to play games professionally or at least be a competent streamer. I can't do that. I can barely play games alone or with loved ones because I keep on having issues.

There is no coming to terms with what happened to me. I will be on nerve pills for the rest of my life, whether they actually help or not. I will have this problem until the day I die. I am also still going through chemo treatments, I only have a handful left, but each treatment means that the CIPN could become worse.

I write this now, because I have been playing games today and my hands hurt and the tingling is driving me nuts. I want to cry, I want my hands to go back to what they used to be. Now, a small side story, growing up I used to watch The Neverending Story a lot. Every time I was home sick The Neverending Story would go on and I would be glued to it. I always identified with the Rock Biter.

I just couldn't hold on.

At the end of the movie, where he talks of his hands and losing everything he loved, I cry every time. He tried to hold on to his friends, but the Nothing sucked them right up. It is really all I think about every time I drop something, my fear of driving, every time I knock something over, or fail to do something so mundane as typing without issue.

That is it for today. I think I am going to go watch The Neverending Story and sit with my thoughts.

Cheers,
Phil